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Pay-to-Chill: Smart Thermostats Now Set Temperatures Based on Your Wallet, Not Your Comfort

Lena Wexler
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Pay-to-Chill: Smart Thermostats Now Set Temperatures Based on Your Wallet, Not Your Comfort

SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a groundbreaking yet deeply unsettling innovation, smart thermostat manufacturers have unveiled a new feature that determines your home’s temperature settings based not on your preferences, but on your ability to pay. Dubbed “ThermoPay,” the feature is being marketed as a “revolutionary step” toward energy efficiency and economic transparency.

“For too long, people have taken climate control for granted,” said Jasper Trent, CEO of SmartTemp, one of the leading thermostat manufacturers. “With ThermoPay, we’re empowering consumers to align their comfort with their financial realities.” ...  Continue Reading

Christmas Chaos: Financial Sector Reels as Families Forget to Celebrate the Holidays

Nash Grayson
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Christmas Chaos: Financial Sector Reels as Families Forget to Celebrate the Holidays

NEW YORK CITY — The 2024 holiday season has left the financial sector in shock as an unprecedented number of households simply forgot to celebrate Christmas. Instead of the usual retail frenzy, millions of families reportedly spent December 25th relaxing on their solitary day off from work, leaving retail giants and holiday-dependent businesses scrambling to understand the implications.

Retail analysts are calling it “The Great Christmas Miss,” as revenue streams that typically bolster the year-end profits of countless companies evaporated into a sea of Netflix binges and homemade ramen. ...  Continue Reading

Media Frenzy as ‘President-Elect Elon Musk’ Mix-Up Sparks Global Confusion

Lena Wexler
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Media Frenzy as ‘President-Elect Elon Musk’ Mix-Up Sparks Global Confusion

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented media blunder, several major news outlets mistakenly referred to Elon Musk as “President-Elect” and Donald Trump as “Vice President Donald Trump,” setting off a wave of international confusion and internet memes. The erroneous headlines, which appeared across platforms from The New York Times to The Onion, were quickly retracted, but not before leaving a trail of bewildered world leaders in their wake.

“We deeply regret the error and assure our readers that Elon Musk is not the president-elect,” read a hastily issued correction from The Washington Post. “To clarify, he remains the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, among other titles, but none of them include Commander-in-Chief.” ...  Continue Reading

McRibGate: McDonald’s Exec Flees with Recipe, Seeks Refuge in Sealand

Lena Wexler
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McRibGate: McDonald’s Exec Flees with Recipe, Seeks Refuge in Sealand

In a culinary caper that’s taken the fast-food world by storm, McDonald’s Chief Marketing Officer Darrell “Sauce Boss” McMullen has gone rogue, fleeing corporate headquarters with the only known full copy of the McRib recipe. His destination? The Principality of Sealand, a self-proclaimed micronation perched on an abandoned offshore platform.

“We can confirm that Mr. McMullen has requested asylum,” Sealand’s spokesperson announced during a press conference held via Zoom. “His claim involves the cultural preservation of processed pork. We’re evaluating his case.” ...  Continue Reading

From Avocado Toast to Fish-Flake Hot Dogs: Millennials’ Culinary Collapse

Nash Grayson
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From Avocado Toast to Fish-Flake Hot Dogs: Millennials’ Culinary Collapse

BROOKLYN, NY — Once a symbol of generational optimism and a commitment to health-conscious living, avocado toast has fallen from its throne. In a tragic twist of dietary fate, Millennials and Gen Z are swapping their beloved breakfast staple for an unlikely and deeply troubling alternative: Fish-Flake Coated Hot Dogs.

What was once the hallmark of brunch culture has now been replaced by a meal that nutritionists are calling “a desperate attempt to survive rising food costs.” The fish-flake hot dog, a concoction of processed meat rolled in a dusting of crushed fish food pellets, has surged in popularity thanks to its low price and high protein content. ...  Continue Reading

Congress Calls AI Chatbots to Testify on Role in Cyber Attacks

Lena Wexler
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Congress Calls AI Chatbots to Testify on Role in Cyber Attacks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move, Congress has issued subpoenas to several AI chatbots, requiring them to testify about their alleged roles in facilitating phishing campaigns and other cybercrimes. The hearings, which are set to begin next week, will mark the first time artificial intelligence entities are called to account for their potential complicity in cyberattacks.

“The rise in AI-driven cybercrime has reached alarming levels,” said Representative Marjorie Blaine, chair of the House Committee on Cybersecurity and Emerging Threats. “We must determine whether these chatbots understood their involvement in malicious activities or whether their creators bear ultimate responsibility.” ...  Continue Reading

Harry Potter’s Library of Congress Visit Ends in Magical Mishap

Nash Grayson
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Harry Potter’s Library of Congress Visit Ends in Magical Mishap

WASHINGTON, D.C. — What began as a diplomatic gesture of goodwill turned into a literary catastrophe when Harry Potter, under special invitation from Senator Bernie Sanders, inadvertently cast a spell that reshuffled the Library of Congress’s documents in an unprecedented magical accident.

The famed wizard and hero of the Battle of Hogwarts had been invited by Sanders to visit the Library of Congress as part of a cultural exchange celebrating international literary achievements. The event was attended by a select group of lawmakers, historians, and enchanted scholars eager to meet the boy who lived. ...  Continue Reading

Walt Disney Announces Plans to Resurrect John McAfee for Marvel Cinematic Universe

Tara Sparks
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Walt Disney Announces Plans to Resurrect John McAfee for Marvel Cinematic Universe

BURBANK, CA — In a move as audacious as it is bewildering, Walt Disney Studios has announced a groundbreaking initiative to bring the late John McAfee back to life. According to insiders, the controversial tech tycoon and antivirus software pioneer will play a starring role in an upcoming series of Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) films, a decision that has already ignited fierce debate across Hollywood and Silicon Valley.

“We’ve always pushed the boundaries of storytelling and technology,” said Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige in a statement. “But this time, we’re rewriting the boundaries of life itself. John McAfee’s larger-than-life personality, unparalleled intellect, and knack for chaos make him the perfect antihero for our next phase of Marvel films.” ...  Continue Reading

Gaming Chat Platform Now Connected to Classified SIPRNET: ‘We Thought No One Cared’

Nash Grayson
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Gaming Chat Platform Now Connected to Classified SIPRNET: ‘We Thought No One Cared’

REDMOND, WA — In a move that has left cybersecurity experts baffled and conspiracy theorists vindicated, the popular gaming chat platform Discord has confirmed that several of its apps and add-ons now connect directly to SIPRNET, the U.S. government’s classified computer network. The shocking revelation came during a routine Q&A session with the platform’s developers.

“Honestly, the features have been there for a while,” said lead developer Kevin “CyberDuck” Steele in a statement that has since gone viral. “We just didn’t think anyone cared. That crap is boring to read.” ...  Continue Reading

Crunchy Moms Discover the Truth: Garlic Grown in Light Bulbs, Not Soil

Lena Wexler
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Crunchy Moms Discover the Truth: Garlic Grown in Light Bulbs, Not Soil

AUSTIN, TX — The crunchy mom community has been sent into a frenzy after a viral social media post revealed what they believe to be the shocking truth about garlic. According to self-proclaimed ‘wellness influencer’ Crystal Sunbeam, garlic is not a root vegetable grown in soil, as commonly believed, but rather cultivated inside delicate glass light bulbs that must be carefully shattered to harvest its pungent cloves.

“This changes everything,” Sunbeam declared in an Instagram Live session, holding up a shattered light bulb and what appeared to be a pile of peeled garlic cloves. “They’ve been lying to us for decades, hiding the truth about where our garlic really comes from. Big Agriculture strikes again!” ...  Continue Reading

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