WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court on Tuesday graciously permitted attorneys on both sides of a major Second Amendment case to deliver oral arguments in full, despite the justices having reached their conclusion sometime in the spring of 2022 and another portion of it over brunch.
The case, which concerns whether a federal restriction on a particular category of firearm comports with the ‘historical tradition’ standard the Court invented three years ago specifically so it would not, was met with the polite attentiveness reserved for a child explaining a magic trick to an adult who has already seen the card.
Justice Clarence Thomas, who is widely expected to author the majority opinion, kept his eyes closed for the duration of the government’s argument in what aides described as ‘active listening,’ while Justice Samuel Alito interrupted the Solicitor General forty-one seconds in to ask whether anything in the founding era prevented a man from owning whatever he wanted, and if not, why were they here.
‘We always benefit from a robust airing of the issues,’ said Sharon Vellum, a constitutional law fellow at the Mercer Institute, who noted that the Court’s decision to take the case at all suggested ‘between six and six-and-a-half’ justices already had a preferred outcome and were now searching for a paragraph from 1791 to staple to it.
Counsel for the government attempted, at several points, to cite public safety data, at which Justice Neil Gorsuch visibly winced as though someone had brought a casserole to a wine tasting. Chief Justice John Roberts, performing his customary role as the man who looks deeply troubled while voting the same way as everyone else, asked one (1) skeptical question of the petitioner before nodding for the next ninety minutes.
Outside the courthouse, gun-rights advocates held a rally that organizers described as ‘a celebration in advance,’ while gun-control groups held a smaller rally that organizers described as ‘something to do.’ A bystander selling commemorative pins did not specify which side he was selling them to and reported brisk business from both.
The Court is expected to issue its ruling sometime in late June, on the same Friday it releases every other 6-3 decision it would prefer not to discuss at length, alongside whatever else needs to clear before everyone leaves for the summer.
Justice Thomas, reached briefly in the hallway, declined to comment on the case but did confirm that his RV is running great.