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Just Asking: If the Bar for Running the Pentagon Is Now a Weekend Cable Hit and One Vice Presidential Tiebreaker, What Was the Bar Before?

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What does it mean when the United States Senate, that storied cooling saucer, that deliberative body George Washington apparently described using a beverage metaphor nobody can source, needs its Vice President to stroll in and break a tie so that a former weekend morning television host can be handed the keys to a three-quarter-trillion-dollar war machine? I am, as always, just asking.

I was at Eliza’s on Tuesday night — she does a small Tuesday supper now, six people, one roast chicken, a defensible Sancerre — and the conversation, as conversations do in this town, turned to the Hegseth vote before the salad plates came out. Seated across from me was a lobbyist I will only describe as bipartisan, who represents, let us say, companies that build things that fly and explode. He held his wineglass at a very specific angle and said, “Margaret, the thing you have to understand is that the job is mostly meetings.” I asked what the meetings were about. He said, “Other meetings.” I refilled his glass myself.

For three decades I have watched confirmation hearings, and I will tell you what I have learned: the Senate takes itself most seriously at precisely the moment it is about to do the least serious thing. The senators furrow. They invoke their fathers’ service. They ask a pointed question, accept a non-answer, and then thank the nominee for his candor. Candor, in Washington, is the word we use for the thing that did not happen.

Three Republicans had the stomach to vote no. Three. In a conference of fifty-three. And we are meant to treat this as a crisis of conscience, a rending of garments, a profile in something. Forgive me. When the floor of your courage is three, the ceiling of your party is wherever the nominee’s forehead ends up.

My sister-in-law Judy, who has worked at the National Archives for longer than some senators have been sentient, called me Wednesday morning and said something I have not been able to shake. She said, “You know, we still have the confirmation files from the Stimsons and the Marshalls. I pulled one the other day just to look at it. The paper is heavier.” I asked her what she meant. She said, “I mean the paper is heavier, Margaret. That’s all I mean.” Judy is not a dramatic woman. When Judy tells you the paper used to be heavier, the paper used to be heavier.

Is it unfair to ask what, exactly, the Senate believes a Secretary of Defense is for? Is it unfair to note that the institution has, in living memory, rejected nominees for far less — a tax irregularity, a household employee, a poorly handled question about a beverage? We used to lose Cabinet picks over nannies. Now we confirm them over tiebreakers. Somewhere between those two sentences is the entire story of the last twenty years, and nobody in this city wants to read it aloud.

The defense of the nominee, from the people who bothered to mount one, was that he will be surrounded by professionals. This is always the defense. He will be surrounded by professionals. The generals will manage him. The deputies will manage him. The building, that Pentagon-shaped organism with its own circulatory system, will manage him. Ask yourself, gently, whether you find that reassuring or whether you find it the exact opposite of the constitutional arrangement you were taught in the ninth grade.

The bipartisan lobbyist, by the time we reached the cheese course, had grown philosophical. “Margaret,” he said, “the real scandal isn’t this nominee. The real scandal is that the last three nominees were also fine, and nobody can remember what any of them did.” I told him I found that deeply comforting, in the way a diagnosis is comforting. At least now we know what we have.

And here is the part where a more cautious columnist would reach for balance. Here is where I would note that every administration has had its controversial picks, that the Republic has survived worse, that the permanent bureaucracy is a ballast against mischief. I am not a more cautious columnist. I am a columnist who has watched the ballast get thinner every year, and who has noticed that the people most eager to reassure you about institutional resilience are usually the people being paid by the institutions to sound reassured.

The question I cannot stop asking is the one no one at Eliza’s table would touch, not even after the port: What is the confirmation process actually for, if it can be cleared by a man whose chief qualification is that he performed well on a couch next to a weather map? Not whether he will be good or bad. Not whether his critics are fair. What is the process for? Because a process that cannot filter anything out is not a filter. It is a ceremony.

Judy, before she hung up, said one more thing. She said the files from the tough confirmations — the ones that failed, the ones that barely passed — have a particular smell when you open the boxes. Cigarettes and carbon paper and something else she couldn’t name. I asked her what the files from this era will smell like, when some archivist opens them in 2085. She laughed, which Judy almost never does, and said, “Margaret, I don’t think they’ll open them.”

I keep thinking about that. I keep thinking about the boxes nobody opens, the hearings nobody rereads, the tiebreakers that get footnoted into oblivion because the next one is already on the calendar. A country that cannot be bothered to take its own confirmations seriously is a country that has quietly decided the stakes are low. And a country that has decided the stakes are low is, historically speaking, moments away from finding out they were not. I am, as I have always been, just asking.

Just Asking: If the Files Were Always Going to Come Out on a Tuesday, Why Did Three Generations Have to Die Wondering?

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Is it not a little strange that the assassination files which have been withheld from the American public across eleven administrations, four wars, and the entire run of Meet the Press, have suddenly, this week, become the sort of thing a president can declassify between lunch and a helicopter ride? I am only asking. I am, as ever, simply putting the question on the table and stepping back while the rest of the commentariat clears its throat and pretends it was about to say the same thing.

At dinner Friday at Eliza’s, before the soup was even cleared, a bipartisan lobbyist I have known for twenty years and will not name because he still has to lobby set down his fork and said, quite calmly, “They were always going to release them. The only question was which president would be bored enough to sign the order.” Eliza, who has a framed letter from Sargent Shriver on her powder-room wall and does not joke about the Kennedys, put her napkin down and said nothing. That was the most damning part. In thirty years in this town I have learned to read the Washington silence, and Friday’s was the kind that means he’s right and we all know it.

So let us actually ask the question, out loud, the way adults are supposed to. If the files on the killings of John Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, and Martin Luther King Jr. could be released by executive order on a Thursday in January of 2025 — a slow Thursday, incidentally, sandwiched between a TikTok stunt and a birthright-citizenship injunction — then what precisely was the argument for sitting on them in 1978? In 1992? In 2017, when the last president to promise their release performed the peculiar magic trick of releasing them while not releasing them?

My sister-in-law Judy, who has worked at the National Archives longer than some of the boxes have existed, once told me that the most carefully protected documents in the federal government are almost never the ones you would guess. “The truly sensitive material,” she said, stirring her tea with the grim patience of a civil servant who has watched four administrations lose the same keys, “is sensitive because of who is embarrassed, not because of who is endangered.” I have thought about that sentence for ten years. I am thinking about it harder this week.

Because let us be honest about the class of person who has spent six decades insisting these files must remain sealed for the good of the Republic. They are not, by and large, the widows. They are not the children who grew up without fathers. They are not the Memphis sanitation workers or the Ambassador Hotel busboy or the millions of Americans who simply wanted to know what their own government knew and when. They are, almost to a person, men who rose through agencies that have since been renamed, restructured, and in two cases mercifully dissolved. They are men protecting reputations of men who are already dead. And we indulged them. For sixty-one years, we indulged them.

I do not know what is in the files. Neither, I suspect, do the breathless people on cable this week assuring us it will be everything or nothing. What I know is that the American public has been told, on a rolling basis across my entire adult life, that it is not yet ready to see what was done in its name. I am sixty-seven years old. I covered three presidencies as a staffer before I ever wrote a column. At what age, exactly, does the country graduate from the children’s table?

There is a particular Washington cowardice at work here, and it is worth naming it because nobody else will. It is the cowardice of the career official who believes the public cannot be trusted with the truth, and the cowardice of the elected official who agrees because disagreeing would require him to actually read the file. It is the cowardice of the think-tank fellow who writes four thousand words on “institutional trust” without once conceding that institutions earn trust by telling the truth on Tuesday instead of hoarding it until Thursday. I have sat across from these men at more dinners than I care to count. They order the fish.

And I notice — I am just noticing, you understand — that the order came down the same week the administration declared a kind of shock-and-awe on the federal workforce, the same week a judge had to remind the executive branch that the Fourteenth Amendment is, in fact, still there, the same week a billionaire’s cost-cutting task force began gleefully circling agencies whose records rooms would be, shall we say, of considerable historical interest. Is it paranoid to wonder whether the declassification is the meal, or the garnish, or the thing being waved in one hand while the other hand is doing something else entirely? I am, as always, just asking.

Eliza said something else Friday night that I keep turning over. She said that her father, who knew Bobby, used to say that the cruelest trick the government ever played on the grieving was not killing the men. The men were killed by the men who killed them. The cruelest trick was convincing three generations of Americans that knowing how and why was a privilege to be earned, rather than a right to be exercised. I do not know if her father actually said that. I know Eliza well enough to know that if he didn’t, he should have.

So here is the question I will leave you with, and I will leave it unsoftened, because softening is how we got here. If a president can declassify these files on a whim in 2025, then every president who refused to do so between 1963 and now made a choice. Not a necessity. A choice. And the country they made that choice on behalf of — the country that was told, over and over, that it could not handle the truth — deserves to know which of its leaders decided it couldn’t, and what exactly they thought we might do if we found out.

We are about to find out a great many things this year. We are about to find out, I suspect, things about our own government that will make the careful custodians of the postwar consensus wish they had retired earlier. I am not celebrating. I am not mourning. I am watching a door open that should have been opened decades ago by braver people, and I am asking, quietly and without any particular hope of an answer, what else is behind the doors we are still being told not to touch.

Clayborn County Supervisor Launches Local Efficiency Task Force, Immediately Identifies the Coffee Fund as Its First Target

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CLAYBORN COUNTY, OHIO — At a Tuesday evening meeting attended by nine residents, two reporters, and the HVAC repairman who had not yet been paid, County Supervisor Dale Ruggles announced the formation of the Clayborn County Department of Operational Efficiency, a three-person task force charged with identifying government waste and reporting back by the second week of February. Ruggles, 61, said he was inspired by “what they’re doing up in Washington” and had already located what he believed to be a significant irregularity in the break-room coffee fund.

The fund, which currently sits at $84.50, is maintained by voluntary contribution from the seven employees of the county annex building. Ruggles described it at the meeting as “the sort of off-ledger account that, left unchecked, becomes a culture.” He did not specify a culture of what.

The Department of Operational Efficiency — which residents have already begun calling “the DOE,” to Ruggles’s visible frustration, as he had hoped for a different acronym — consists of Ruggles himself, his nephew Brayden, and a retired insurance adjuster named Lenora Whipp who volunteered on the grounds that she had “always wondered about the culvert situation.” None of the three were present for the HVAC discussion, which was moved to new business and then tabled.

“What we’re talking about is a top-to-bottom review of every line item in the county budget,” Ruggles told the room. “If it’s not earning its keep, it’s going out the door. I don’t care if it’s a stapler.” He then asked the county clerk whether the meeting was being recorded, and, upon being told it was, clarified that he did care about the stapler in particular, which had been a gift from his late father-in-law.

Dr. Evelyn Truitt, a municipal governance scholar at the Ohio Institute for Rural Administration, said efforts like Clayborn County’s are becoming more common in the current political climate. “We’re seeing a trickle-down phenomenon where county-level officials want to replicate federal rhetoric without the federal budget,” Truitt said. “The problem is that when your entire discretionary spending fits on a single sheet of paper, ‘cutting waste’ tends to mean eliminating the one thing someone’s grandmother liked.”

The first scheduled target of the efficiency review, beyond the coffee fund, is the annual $312 subscription to a regional water-rights newsletter that Ruggles described as “frankly, a luxury item.” The newsletter has been received by the county since 1987 and is read primarily by Lenora Whipp, who has now recused herself from that portion of the review.

Reached Wednesday morning at the Sunrise Café, where she was refilling coffee for two men discussing a third man not present, waitress Sharla Bemis offered a measured assessment of the new initiative. “Dale’s been wanting a task force for about eleven years,” she said. “He tried to start one for the Christmas parade and another one for the geese. This is just the one that finally took.”

Mrs. Peterson, who attended the meeting in her capacity as secretary of the Clayborn County Historical Society and in her other capacity as a person who attends every meeting, said she supported the general idea of reviewing government expenditures but had concerns about the scope. “He kept using the word ‘bloat,'” she said. “I looked around that room. I don’t know where he thinks the bloat is. Gene from the water department was wearing the same jacket he wore to my husband’s funeral in 2009.”

Supervisor Ruggles has declined to disclose a specific dollar target for the cuts, saying only that the figure will be “substantial” and “in keeping with the spirit of the moment.” Pressed by this reporter after the meeting, he estimated savings of “between four and six thousand dollars, potentially,” and then, after a pause, said “or three.”

Nephew Brayden Ruggles, 24, who was appointed to the task force on Tuesday and sworn in using a Bible that was later identified as a hymnal, said he is approaching the role with fresh eyes. “I don’t have a lot of preconceptions about how the county spends money,” he said. “I don’t really know what the county does, if I’m being honest. That’s why they picked me.” He is being paid a stipend of $40 per meeting.

Not all residents are enthusiastic. Gene Ollinger, the water-department employee referenced by Mrs. Peterson, said he had been informed his job was “under review” and would like to know by whom. “I’m the water department,” Ollinger said. “I’m not a department. I’m a guy. They can review me all they want, but if they review me out of a job, somebody else is going to have to go turn the valve at the Miller place, and I’ll tell you right now, nobody else knows which valve it is.”

The task force is scheduled to deliver its preliminary findings at the February 12th meeting, at which point the county will also consider a measure to increase the supervisor’s discretionary budget by $2,400 to cover what Ruggles described Tuesday as “administrative costs associated with the review process.” The coffee fund, as of press time, remained untouched, though a handwritten sign had appeared above it reading “Under Audit — Please Still Contribute.”

$500 Billion ‘Stargate’ Project Will Guzzle Enough Water to Hydrate Phoenix, Produce Chatbot That Still Can’t Count the Rs in ‘Strawberry’

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ABILENE, TX — Flanked by three men who together control more infrastructure than most G20 nations, President Donald Trump on Tuesday announced the Stargate Project, a $500 billion private venture to build out domestic AI supercomputing capacity, named — apparently without irony — after a 1994 Kurt Russell film in which a military-industrial wormhole unleashes a god on a confused civilian population.

The joint venture between OpenAI, SoftBank, and Oracle will begin with a 10-building campus in Abilene, Texas, a town chosen for its abundance of two things the American electrical grid is rapidly running out of: land, and the political will to ask what any of this is for. Ground has already been broken on the first data center, which will reportedly draw enough power at full tilt to run a midsize city and enough water to cool it to light-jog temperature.

“We are thrilled to partner on a project of this civilizational scale,” said Oracle chairman Larry Ellison, standing beside a president who last week pardoned the January 6 defendants and a SoftBank CEO whose last major American bet was WeWork. Sam Altman, who runs OpenAI, added that Stargate would “unlock benefits for all of humanity,” a phrase he has now used in six separate announcements without specifying which humans or which benefits.

The $500 billion figure, which exceeds the annual GDP of Norway, is aspirational: only $100 billion has been committed, and the rest will be raised through a financing structure that industry analysts describe as “mostly vibes and Middle Eastern sovereign wealth.” The press release did not clarify who is on the hook if the vibes sour.

“What we’re looking at is essentially a new category of infrastructure,” said Dr. Priya Mendenhall, a grid-load researcher at the Rocky Mountain Institute who was not involved with the project. “A data center of this scale consumes roughly the freshwater equivalent of 80,000 households and enough electricity to power Pittsburgh. In exchange, society receives a language model that can almost reliably generate a wedding toast.”

The announcement comes as a historic cold wave grinds across the United States and Canada, leaving pipes burst from Minneapolis to Mobile and reminding Americans that their existing grid, the one that has existed for a century, still cannot handle a Tuesday in January. Texas, which will host the Stargate flagship, last experienced a cold snap that killed 246 people when the grid failed in 2021. The state has since addressed the problem by asking nicely.

Environmental groups expressed what one spokesperson called “the usual concerns, which, as usual, will be ignored.” The Sierra Club noted that Stargate’s projected water withdrawals in drought-stricken West Texas would rival those of the region’s agricultural sector, and that the promised switch to “advanced cooling” is industry shorthand for “the same cooling, but we called it advanced.”

Altman, for his part, has argued that the energy demands of AI will be offset by AI itself, which will eventually discover cleaner forms of energy. This is the technological equivalent of borrowing money from your parents to bet on a horse that you insist will, upon winning, pay your parents back. The horse, in this metaphor, is also writing your college essays.

On Capitol Hill, Republicans hailed the announcement as proof of America’s renewed industrial vigor; Democrats hailed it as proof of the need to regulate a technology they have so far regulated by holding a hearing in which a 78-year-old senator asked ChatGPT whether it was sentient and accepted “no” as the final word on the matter. Both parties agreed the jobs would be great, though neither specified for whom. The Abilene site is projected to employ roughly 1,500 permanent workers, or about one job per $333 million of investment.

“I just want to know where the water’s coming from,” said Darlene Koopman, 63, who runs a cattle operation twelve miles east of the proposed site and who has been rationing irrigation since September. “They keep saying ‘advanced closed-loop something.’ I asked the man from Oracle if that meant they weren’t using the aquifer and he said it meant they were using less of the aquifer. So.”

Stargate is the latest entry in a growing genre of trillion-adjacent tech announcements staged as geopolitical theater: a CEO, a president, a number with too many zeros, and a promise that this time the transformative technology will be built here, using our power, on our soil, with benefits accruing to a holding company in the Cayman Islands. The DeepSeek panic rattling Silicon Valley this week — in which a Chinese startup appears to have matched OpenAI’s performance at a fraction of the compute — has only sharpened the administration’s appetite for spending more, faster, on bigger.

A reporter asked Altman at the press conference whether, given DeepSeek’s results, $500 billion was perhaps more compute than strictly necessary. Altman smiled the smile of a man who has raised money in every interest rate environment known to God, and said the question demonstrated a fundamental misunderstanding of scale.

The first Stargate buildings are expected to come online in late 2026. Somewhere in West Texas, a cow is already being asked to share.

Just Asking: Is There a Costco for Clemency Now, or Did We Just Invent One on Monday Afternoon?

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Is it still a pardon if you can fit 1,500 of them in the same manila folder? I ask because I spent Monday evening watching the new president sign what his own aides described, with no apparent embarrassment, as a stack — not a list, not a docket, a stack — and I found myself wondering at what point a constitutional mercy becomes a bulk-rate promotional event. Somewhere between pardon number six and pardon number fourteen hundred, the word stops meaning what it used to mean. That seems, to me, worth noticing. Nobody in Washington appears to be noticing.

My friend Eliza hosted a small dinner in Kalorama that night — six people, the good silver, a pork loin she had been threatening to make all month — and the conversation landed, as conversations do now, on whether any of us could name a single historical pardon that was issued in batches of more than twelve. We could not. Someone brought up Carter and the draft dodgers, and someone else correctly pointed out that was a proclamation, not fifteen hundred individual signatures, and the distinction mattered then in a way it apparently does not matter now. The pork loin was excellent. The republic was not.

A bipartisan lobbyist I will not name — he has been a Democrat and a Republican at roughly the same intervals as the rest of the capital — told me over the cheese course that the real innovation here was procedural. “They ran them through like a payroll,” he said, and then made the hand gesture of someone feeding paper into a machine. He found this admirable. He finds most things admirable if they are executed with confidence. I looked at him for a long moment and decided, not for the first time, that the difference between a lobbyist and a sommelier is that the sommelier will at least tell you when something has gone off.

I should say, because someone always writes in to say I haven’t, that I am not sentimental about pardons. Presidents of both parties have used the clemency power to reward donors, protect friends, and paper over inconveniences the Justice Department had the bad manners to uncover. Clinton pardoned Marc Rich. Biden pardoned his son after telling us for a year he would not. The pardon power has been a grubby little instrument for a long time. The question is not whether it has been abused. The question is whether we are now abusing it at wholesale velocity, and whether any of the usual people will find their voices this time.

They will not. I can already tell you the choreography. The senators who sent strongly worded letters in 2021 will discover, in the coming weeks, that they have pressing concerns about the price of eggs. The cable hosts who spent four years telling us January 6 was the hinge of American history will find that the hinge has quietly un-hinged, and will pivot to a segment about TikTok. The op-ed pages will run one angry column, one measured column, and one column by a man who wants you to know that actually this is a healing moment, and then the whole thing will be filed under Things We Did Last Week.

My sister-in-law Judy, who has worked at the National Archives longer than some of these senators have held their seats, called me Tuesday morning to describe what she called the paperwork implications. She used the phrase “custody of record” four times in six minutes. She wanted to know who, exactly, was responsible for ensuring that each of these 1,500 grants of clemency was properly documented, filed, indexed, and preserved, because from where she was sitting in College Park it looked very much like nobody had been assigned that job, and the stack had simply been handed to an intern with a stapler and a deadline. Judy does not editorialize. Judy was editorializing.

And here is the part that is supposed to make me feel unserious for bringing it up: some of the people pardoned on Monday assaulted police officers. Not metaphorically. On camera. With poles, with flagpoles, with their fists, with bear spray, in one case with a hockey stick, which I mention only because I was told by a friend at Main Justice that the hockey stick detail was in the charging documents and was considered, at the time, relevant. It is now, apparently, not relevant. We have decided it is not relevant. We did this on a Monday, before the parade.

What does it do to a country to say, on the same afternoon, that we are both the nation that prosecutes assaults on federal officers and the nation that erases those prosecutions in a signing ceremony with a commemorative pen? I genuinely want to know. I am not being rhetorical, although I am always being rhetorical. There has to be a cost somewhere. Institutions that are contradicted this loudly, this publicly, and this fast tend to stop functioning in the quiet ways we need them to function — the ways we don’t notice until the day we need them.

The thing I keep coming back to, and I recognize I am a broken record on this, is that civic cowardice has a smell. You can identify it in a room. It smells like the careful throat-clearing of a senator who has decided to “let the process play out,” which is what senators say when they have already decided not to say anything. It smells like a cable segment titled “Unity Moment.” It smells, frankly, like Eliza’s dining room after the candles have burned down and the last guest has explained, earnestly, why he is not going to put his name on anything this year.

I’m told this is the direction the country is heading, and that I should make my peace with it. I will not. I don’t know what a pardon means anymore, I don’t know what an assault on a Capitol police officer means anymore, and I don’t know what any of the strongly worded letters from the last four years were actually for. I am just asking. Someone, somewhere in this town, used to know the answers. I would very much like to meet them before the next stack is signed.

I Watched My Four Children Detox From TikTok in Real Time and By Hour Nine Ember Was Speaking in Full Sentences Again

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Saturday night at 10:37 p.m. my oldest, Sage, came downstairs holding her phone out in front of her like a dead bird. The screen said something about an error. She was gray in the face. Travis looked up from the seed catalog and said, “Huh,” and then I felt it — a kind of quiet I hadn’t felt in the house since before Ember was born, the sort of quiet that has a temperature.

I knew something was off all week. My sister-in-law Marnie, who runs the front desk at a pediatric office in Greenville and is, functionally, a nurse, had been texting me screenshots from a Telegram channel run by a “neuro-somatic coach” named Dr. Tabor Whitfield, DC, who has been saying for months that the algorithm is siphoning something specific off our children — he calls it “the pineal layer,” and while I can’t find it in any of the anatomy books I own, I also can’t find seed oils in the Bible and we all know how that went.

Hour one of the blackout, the kids behaved like they had a mild flu. Ember (9) lay face down on the kitchen tile and announced that she felt “chemical.” Rowan (11) asked, with real suspicion in his voice, whether the WiFi was “doing it on purpose.” Wren, who is six and has never known a world without a vertical video, curled up inside the laundry basket and stayed there for the duration of what I now understand to be the acute withdrawal phase.

By hour three, Wren had crawled out and was drawing. With a pencil. An actual pencil — the kind with a wood body and a metal collar and a little pink eraser that smells like nothing — on the back of a Tractor Supply receipt. She drew a horse. She has never in her conscious life drawn a horse. I didn’t say anything. You don’t interrupt a horse.

Hour five, Sage went outside. In January. Voluntarily. She stood on the porch with no jacket and looked up for somewhere between four and seven minutes. When she came back in she said, very quietly, “The sky is just up there all the time, huh,” and then poured herself a glass of water without being asked, which is not a thing that happens in this house.

Dinner was venison stew, which I had braced myself to defend against the usual negotiation about what counts as a vegetable versus what counts as “wet meat.” Instead, all four children ate it. Ember ate a beet. She has not willingly ingested a beet since she was weaning, and even then she preferred to rub them into the high-chair cushion. I watched her chew. It was like watching a time-lapse of soil rebuilding.

Hour nine is when the sentences came back. Ember had been communicating for roughly fourteen months in what I can only describe as a kind of gutturally-abbreviated TikTok-ese — “it’s giving,” “no because,” “bestie slay” deployed as greeting, farewell, and, once, in place of “thank you” to an EMT. At hour nine she looked at me across the couch and said, “Mom, if Dad brought the goats in because of the ice, where is the water bowl going to go?” A subordinate clause. A hypothetical. Travis actually teared up.

I posted about all of this in my Facebook group — Dopamine Damage and the Mothers Who Saw It Coming, about nine thousand of us now — and within forty minutes I had twenty-seven mothers confirming nearly identical results. A woman in Boise said her fourteen-year-old made sustained eye contact for the first time since sixth grade. Another said her daughter asked what a library card was and meant it sincerely. One mom in Ohio said her son apologized, unprompted, for something he did in 2022.

Travis was, to his credit, trying to be skeptical. He kept saying, “Brooke, it’s been twelve hours,” as if twelve hours isn’t enough to see real cellular change. I reminded him that a proper liver flush works in six and that the body, when given even a sliver of quiet, will start throwing off what it’s been holding. He said, “I don’t think TikTok goes into your liver,” which is exactly the kind of thing a man who has never done a castor oil pack would say.

And then around noon on Sunday, TikTok came back. I watched it happen in real time. Ember’s sentence structure collapsed by 12:07. By 12:14 she had called Rowan “so cringe coded” for eating a clementine. Sage was back on the couch with her phone held an inch from her face like she was reading a scroll from a burning monastery. Wren’s pencil was already gone. I am not being dramatic when I say I could feel the pineal layer thinning again; it has a quality, like a draft under a door.

Here’s what I’m taking from this weekend, and I want to say it plainly: the federal government accidentally did more for my children’s nervous systems in twelve hours than I have managed with four years of sourdough, grass-fed ghee, and a red-light panel that cost as much as our first car. I am not saying a TikTok ban is healthcare. I’m saying I’ve seen the data, and the data is my own living room, and the data ate a beet.

So we are instituting a household TikTok Sabbath — sundown Saturday to sundown Sunday, no exceptions, phones in the bread box — a framework I’m adapting from a newsletter my friend Poppy forwarded me called Ancestral Rhythms for the Overstimulated Mother. I’m opening it up to twelve local families first. There’s already a waitlist. Ember is, as I type this, watching a video of a silent woman pointing at cabinets, and I have about six more days to prepare her, spiritually, to miss it.

The Lions Were a Brand. The Commanders Were a Football Team. The Scoreboard Picked a Side.

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My neighbor Ray Kowalczyk called me at 11:42 last night, which is late for Ray, to inform me that the Detroit Lions had in fact not manifested their destiny. He said it exactly like that, in the specific tone Ray reserves for moments when the universe has confirmed something he suspected all along. Then he asked if I’d seen the final score. I had. Commanders 45, Lions 31, at Ford Field, in a game Detroit was supposed to win by the sheer accumulated weight of its own press clippings.

For three years now we have been told, mostly by people paid to tell us things, that Detroit was Different. They had a coach who bit kneecaps. They had a quarterback with a redemption arc you could set to acoustic guitar. They had a general manager who looked like he chopped wood for fun and a front office that leaked grit the way other franchises leak salary-cap problems. They had a Hard Knocks. They had a docuseries. They had a whole line of New Era caps with the old logo because the old logo was, apparently, emotionally load-bearing.

What they did not have, on Saturday night in the divisional round, was anybody who could tackle Jayden Daniels in the open field.

I will say this for the kid, and I don’t say it easily because I’ve spent the better part of my adult life watching rookie quarterbacks get eaten alive by the second weekend in January. Daniels is twenty-four years old and he plays the position like a man who has been paying his own electric bill for a while. He stood in the pocket. He threw on time. When the pocket collapsed he ran the way you’re supposed to run, which is toward the first-down marker and not toward a highlight. Coach DiMaggio used to say a quarterback’s job was to be the least interesting man on the field for sixty minutes, and Daniels was about as interesting as a glass of water, which in this case is the highest compliment I know how to pay.

Jared Goff, meanwhile, threw the football to the wrong-colored jerseys three separate times and fumbled for good measure. I don’t enjoy writing that. Goff is a professional and by all accounts a decent man who has done hard work to get where he is. But there is a thing that happens to quarterbacks when their entire city decides they are a symbol, and what happens is they stop being a quarterback and start being a symbol, and symbols are easier to sack than quarterbacks.

The kneecap-biting bit had an expiration date and nobody in Detroit read the label. It was funny in 2022. It was a little tired in 2023. By January of 2025 it was a t-shirt, and t-shirts don’t win playoff games. There is a specific kind of franchise that confuses locker-room culture with locker-room content, and the tell is always the same — the documentary crew gets there before the Lombardi Trophy does.

Coach DiMaggio, who I’ve mentioned in this column maybe four hundred times and will mention four hundred more, had a rule about this. He didn’t let reporters in the locker room until Thursday. His reasoning, which I am paraphrasing because he tended to season his reasoning with language you can’t print, was that a team that talks about itself becomes a team that listens to itself, and a team that listens to itself stops listening to the coach. I thought about Coach DiMaggio around the third interception.

The Commanders, for whatever it’s worth, showed up in the uniforms of a football team rather than the marketing materials of a lifestyle. Dan Quinn didn’t have a catchphrase. Nobody was biting anybody’s anything. They blocked well and tackled harder and ran a rookie quarterback around the yard like he’d been doing it for ten years, which in a sense he has, just at different addresses. There was no arc. There was no story. There was a game, and they won it.

I don’t want to be the guy who tells you the Lions lost because they believed their own content. Football is more complicated than that and also less complicated than that. They lost because Goff turned it over and the defense couldn’t get off the field on third down and Aidan Hutchinson wasn’t there because his leg is in pieces from October. Fine. All true. But somewhere underneath the Xs and Os is a thing I’ve watched happen to franchises for fifty years, which is that when the bit gets bigger than the ball, the ball tends to find somebody else’s hands.

Ray called back this morning, because Ray always calls back. He wanted to know if I thought the Lions window was closed. I told him windows in the NFL are closed until they’re open and open until they’re closed, and that anybody who tells you otherwise is selling a podcast. He grunted. Then he told me his grandson had ordered something called a “Grit Szn” hoodie off Instagram in November, which has now become, in Ray’s words, a forty-dollar dust rag.

Denise is bringing chili over for the late games. She says the recipe is from a podcast.

TikTok Ban Upheld; Teens Immediately Decamp to App Literally Called ‘Little Red Book,’ Which Congress Swears Is Fine

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hours after the Supreme Court unanimously upheld the law permitting a federal ban on TikTok, roughly 3.4 million American teenagers had already downloaded Xiaohongshu, an app whose name translates to ‘Little Red Book’ and whose terms of service are available exclusively in Mandarin. Within the same news cycle, several of them had posted dance videos captioned ‘hi chinese spies, my dad’s SSN is in the caption.’ Congress, which spent two years warning that TikTok was a national security threat because the Chinese government could theoretically access American user data, released a statement calling the migration ‘not ideal.’

The ruling itself was a tidy piece of legal reasoning. The Court concluded that forcing ByteDance to divest from TikTok did not violate the First Amendment because Americans remained free to post brain-rot content on any number of other surveillance platforms, including several owned by a man who currently sits two desks away from the Resolute Desk. The opinion noted, in a footnote, that the ruling addressed only this specific app and did not in any way constitute a broader theory about how data flows across international borders in 2025, a question the Court politely declined to answer on the grounds that nobody on the bench uses the internet.

‘There’s a prevailing assumption in policy circles that the problem with TikTok is fundamentally about one company in one country,’ said Dr. Priya Venkatesh, a senior fellow at the Center for Applied Digital Sovereignty. ‘The problem with TikTok is that it works. You can swap out the flag on the server farm and the algorithm will still know that you cried at a dog video in October of 2022. That is now a permanent feature of being alive.’

Xiaohongshu, for its part, appears to have been completely unprepared for its sudden elevation to the number-one free app in the App Store. By Friday afternoon, its trending page featured a baffled Shanghai skincare influencer trying to understand why approximately 900,000 Americans had shown up in her comments calling her ‘my Chinese spy’ and asking for homework help. A second creator, a farmer in Yunnan province, reportedly gained 2.1 million followers overnight by posting a single video of a duck.

The environmental footprint of the migration has already raised eyebrows in a sector of the tech industry that occasionally pretends to care about such things. Shifting a user base of 170 million people across server infrastructure in roughly seventy-two hours represents, by one back-of-the-envelope estimate, the carbon equivalent of flying every member of Congress to Davos and back, which is coincidentally something many of them were planning to do anyway.

Meta and Google, both of which spent the past eighteen months quietly lobbying for the divestiture law while publicly maintaining that they had no opinion on the matter, released near-identical statements welcoming users to Instagram Reels and YouTube Shorts, platforms that have spent the last four years successfully cloning TikTok’s product while failing to clone any of the things that made it fun. Instagram’s head of product, Jasper Klein, called the ruling ‘an exciting inflection point for creator-first storytelling,’ a sentence that has never meant anything and will never mean anything.

Generational fault lines emerged within hours. Americans over the age of 45 largely greeted the ruling as a long-overdue victory against Chinese influence, citing concerns about data harvesting they had learned about from a Facebook post they did not verify. Americans under the age of 25, who had grown up assuming that every app on their phone was quietly selling their location to the highest bidder as a baseline condition of existence, interpreted the ruling as yet another instance of adults confiscating something because they didn’t understand it and felt left out.

‘My mom asked me if I was worried about the Chinese government having my data,’ said Maya Ortiz, 17, a high school junior in Phoenix who declined to give the name of her new preferred platform because ‘you’ll just ban that one too.’ ‘I told her the Chinese government has been watching me eat Hot Cheetos in bed since I was twelve. I’ve made peace with it. She’s the one who still uses Temu.’

At a press conference outside the Capitol, Senator Roy Hackett (R-Tenn.), one of the bill’s chief architects, celebrated the ruling as ‘a decisive win for American digital sovereignty’ before pulling out his own phone to record a victory selfie on an app that, per its own disclosures, shares user data with at least 1,400 third-party advertising partners across eleven jurisdictions. When asked whether he was concerned about the sudden American embrace of Xiaohongshu, Hackett squinted, said ‘the what,’ and returned to his selfie.

ByteDance indicated it would continue fighting the ruling while also preparing, as a contingency, to sell TikTok’s U.S. operations to a consortium that reportedly includes a private equity firm, two sovereign wealth funds, and a cryptocurrency entrepreneur who last year tried to buy the Mona Lisa and turn it into an NFT. National security experts have so far declined to comment on whether this outcome is meaningfully better than the status quo.

The Federal Trade Commission, which could theoretically regulate the underlying data practices that made TikTok a concern in the first place, was not available for comment, as its entire digital privacy division had been reassigned earlier in the week to a new cost-cutting task force tasked with reviewing whether government printers should be allowed to print in color.

For most users, the transition has been seamless in the way that all transitions within the attention economy are seamless: a new app, a new feed, a new algorithm learning their preferences by Thursday. By Friday night, Xiaohongshu’s For You page was already serving American users videos of other American users complaining that Xiaohongshu’s For You page wasn’t as good as TikTok’s, a content loop so efficient it may in fact be the point.

Somewhere in a hearing room in the Longworth Building, a staffer was reportedly drafting a memo titled ‘Little Red Book: Possible Concerns.’

Bob Uecker Did 54 Years in the Booth Without Ever Calling Himself a Storyteller

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Ray Kowalczyk called me at 6:40 this morning, which is how I know somebody died. Ray doesn’t call before nine for good news. He said, “Duke. Uecker,” and then he didn’t say anything else for a long time, because Ray is from a generation that understood a pause on the telephone was allowed to do work. Bob Uecker was ninety years old, and he spent fifty-four of those years in a booth in Milwaukee telling you what was happening on a baseball field, and he did it without once, to my knowledge, referring to himself as a storyteller.

You don’t know how rare that is anymore until you try to find a man under fifty in a headset who hasn’t described his job that way. They all say it now. They say it on their podcasts, which they all have. They say it in the little sit-down interviews they do with each other where one guy in a quarter-zip asks another guy in a quarter-zip about his “process.” Uecker’s process was showing up, knowing the lineup, and being funny on purpose without making it the whole point. The whole point was the ballgame. Imagine.

Here is what Uecker understood that nobody under forty seems to: the broadcast is a window, not a mirror. You are pointing at something. You are not the something. When Uecker made a joke — and he made about four hundred thousand of them — the joke was always aimed outward, at himself, at his own .200 lifetime average, at the cheap seats in the back of the upper deck he pretended he was sitting in. He did not aim the joke at the audience and wait for them to laugh at themselves for getting the reference. There is a difference. The difference is approximately forty years of American culture.

My old coach, Sal DiMaggio, used to say that the mark of a professional was that you could not tell when he was having a bad day. Uecker was on the air for more than half a century and I could not tell you one game where he was phoning it in. Not one. And the Brewers, let us be honest, gave him ample material for phoning it in. Entire decades of material. He showed up for Robin Yount and he showed up for the 1998 club and he showed up for whatever was happening in July of 2003, and he sounded, every single time, like a man who was genuinely delighted to be telling you about a 2-1 count in the bottom of the sixth.

My grandson, who is eleven and a good kid despite everything working against him, asked me last year why old broadcasts sound “empty.” I said what do you mean empty. He said there’s nothing on the screen. No graphics crawling, no scorebug blinking, no split-screen of a guy in a studio in Bristol reacting to the pitch. I told him that’s what a ballgame used to look like, and the empty part was where your own brain went. He thought about that and then asked if he could have his iPad back. Fair enough. I take the small victories.

The thing I want to say about Uecker, and I am going to say it whether you want me to or not because this is my column, is that he was funny without being cruel, and that is the rarest combination in American life right now. Every comedian on a podcast is mean. Every sideline reporter has a brand. Every halftime show is a pitch deck. Uecker made fun of himself, of the beer, of the bratwurst, of the weather in April in Wisconsin, which deserves to be made fun of. He didn’t make fun of the players for being bad, and the players, believe me, were frequently bad.

Petey Corrigan, who you may remember from previous dispatches as the only man in our Thursday diner group who still subscribes to a physical newspaper, said the thing I wish I’d said. He said, “Uecker was the last guy who sounded like he worked for the team and not for himself.” That’s it. That’s the whole obituary. You can put down the pen. Everybody in a booth now is auditioning — for a network job, for a studio gig, for a line of merchandise, for a documentary about their own voice. Uecker was just calling the game.

I will allow that some of this is me being an old man yelling at a cloud-based subscription service, and I accept that charge without contesting it. But I would like the record to show that the cloud deserves some of the yelling. Nobody at ESPN is going to spend fifty-four years in one city. Nobody at FanDuel is going to develop an affection for a team so deep that their voice cracks in August. The whole architecture of modern sports media is designed to prevent a Bob Uecker from ever happening again, and then, when one of them dies, everybody at those same networks does a ninety-second package about what a treasure he was. They do not see the contradiction. They are not equipped to.

Ray called me back at noon. He’d been listening to old clips on the YouTube, which is something he recently learned how to do and which he now treats like a research library. He wanted to read me a line Uecker used to do about a juuust a bit outside. I said Ray, I know the line. He said I know you know the line, I’m reading it to you anyway. We sat on the phone for a minute and neither of us said anything, which, again, is allowed.

Rest him. Rest the voice. Rest the man who understood that the job was the job and not the platform for the job. They are not making any more of him, and the machinery that used to make him has been quietly dismantled while we were all arguing about whether a linebacker should have a skincare line.

Denise is bringing over a tuna casserole tonight. She says it’s from a cookbook her mother had, which, in this house, counts as a citation.

Just Asking: If Red No. 3 Was a Carcinogen in 1990, What Exactly Have We Been Eating for Thirty-Five Years?

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Do you remember where you were when the federal government decided, after three and a half decades of quiet deliberation, that maybe Americans shouldn’t be eating a confirmed carcinogen in their strawberry milk? I was at a dinner party in Cleveland Park, holding a glass of something pink my friend Eliza had handed me with the confidence of a woman who has never once in her life read an ingredient label.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” she said, meaning the announcement, not the drink. “They finally banned it.” Eliza is a very smart woman. She runs a nonprofit that I cannot, for legal and personal reasons, describe more specifically. And yet here she was, toasting the Food and Drug Administration for catching up to a scientific consensus that predates the first Bush administration. I smiled. I sipped. I thought about what else we are being asked to applaud lately.

Let us review the timeline, because nobody else seems willing to. In 1990, the FDA banned Red Dye No. 3 in cosmetics, having concluded — their word, not mine — that it caused cancer in laboratory rats. You could not, after 1990, legally put this substance on your face. You could, however, continue to put it in your child’s birthday cake, your maraschino cherries, your pink-frosted animal crackers, and roughly four thousand other products aimed with laser precision at the under-ten demographic. This was the official policy of the United States government for thirty-five years.

I am just asking questions. But I am asking them loudly.

At the same dinner party — and I swear I am not making this up — I found myself cornered near the cheese board by a lobbyist I will describe only as bipartisan, because he has worked for enough administrations that the term has stopped meaning anything. He told me, with the weary smile of a man who has been paid to know better, that the dye ban was “a layup.” A layup. That was the word he used. Meaning: easy, obvious, politically costless, the kind of thing you do when you want to look like you are doing something without actually inconveniencing anyone with money.

He is, of course, correct. And that is precisely the problem.

Because if banning a dye the government itself declared carcinogenic in 1990 is a layup in 2025, what exactly have we been doing for thirty-five years? Whose grandchildren were we protecting? Whose campaign donors were we not? My sister-in-law Judy, who works at the National Archives and has a historian’s unsentimental relationship with paper trails, tells me the FDA’s own scientific record on this dye has not meaningfully changed since the Reagan administration. The chemistry did not evolve. The rats did not file an appeal. What changed is that someone, somewhere, finally decided the political cost of saying no to the confectioners’ association was lower than the political cost of saying no to a generation of parents who have learned to read labels on their phones in the cereal aisle.

This is not a victory. This is a confession delivered thirty-five years late, wrapped in a press release, and handed to a press corps that will dutifully describe it as a win for consumer safety. A win. As though the score were tied.

I am old enough to remember when a federal agency admitting it had allowed a known carcinogen into the food supply of American children for a third of a century would have been a scandal. Hearings would have been held. Someone, somewhere, would have resigned — not in disgrace necessarily, but in the old-fashioned sense that public servants used to occasionally feel shame. Instead we get a triumphant tweet from the commissioner and a photograph of a smiling pediatrician in a lab coat, and the conversation moves on to whatever phone app the Chinese are now using to steal our recipes.

Eliza, to her credit, pushed back when I said this. She told me I was being cynical, that progress is progress, that the perfect is the enemy of the good. These are the phrases well-meaning people say at dinner parties when they would prefer not to examine the machinery that produced the outcome they are celebrating. I told her I was not being cynical. I was being literal. The government poisoned us on a schedule set by lobbyists, and now the government would like a round of applause for stopping.

And here is what I cannot stop thinking about, the question that followed me home in the cab and is following me still. If Red No. 3 was the layup — the obvious one, the cost-free one, the one everybody in the room agreed on decades ago — then what is in the cabinet marked HARD? What substances, what approvals, what quiet accommodations are sitting on some regulator’s desk right now, waiting for the politics to get easier? What will our grandchildren ban in 2060 and congratulate themselves for? What are we drinking tonight that some future commissioner will, with great fanfare, decide we should not have been drinking?

I do not know. Nobody at the dinner party knew. The bipartisan lobbyist knew, I suspect, but he was already at the coat closet.

I am, as always, just asking. But a country that needs thirty-five years to act on its own science is not a country with a regulatory problem. It is a country with a nerve problem. And the nerve, I regret to report, is not growing back.