CHICAGO, IL — After being doused in 40 pounds of fluorescent vegetable dye for the 63rd consecutive March, the Chicago River formally submitted its two weeks’ notice Monday morning, citing “irreconcilable differences” with the city of Chicago and a profound need to “go find itself, possibly in Wisconsin.”
The resignation, hand-delivered to the Mayor’s office in a soggy manila envelope shortly after sunrise, marks the first time a major American waterway has voluntarily severed employment with a metropolitan area, according to officials, who conceded they had not been aware the river was technically employed in the first place.
“She’s been holding this in for decades,” said Marla Penhaligon, a freelance hydrology consultant who has been informally representing the river since 2019. “Every March, same thing. Boats. Dye. Three guys from Naperville in ‘Kiss Me I’m Irish’ tank tops Venmo-ing each other for Jameson shots over her face. At a certain point a body of water just snaps.”
In a 14-page statement posted to the river’s newly launched Substack, titled Currents, the waterway accused Plumbers Local 130 of “showing up unannounced once a year like an ex,” described the dye as “tasting vaguely of a dentist’s office,” and demanded retroactive compensation for an estimated 1.7 million unpaid hours of scenic engagement-photo background work.
Mayor Brandon Johnson called the resignation “deeply unfortunate” and “honestly kind of dramatic,” noting that the river had agreed to the arrangement in 1962 and had not raised concerns at any of the 62 subsequent dyeings. Parade organizers said they were blindsided, with one float coordinator confirming the news had cast a brief pall over an otherwise tremendous morning of corned beef and projectile vomiting.
The river’s grievances reportedly extend well beyond the dye itself. Listed alongside the chemical complaints were a kayaker who screamed “I’M IRISH TOO” directly into its surface in 2017, a viral Instagram caption referring to it as “thicc,” and the unrelenting presence of the Riverwalk’s saxophone busker, whom the river described in the filing only as “a man with whom I have things to say.”
City Hall has reportedly entered emergency negotiations, offering a four-day workweek, a 12% raise, and the immediate removal of a duck the river described as “a known menace.” Sources close to the talks say the river is “listening but not committing,” and has separately retained representation from the same agent who handled the Cuyahoga’s 2019 image rehabilitation campaign.
As of press time, the Hudson River had declined to comment on whether it would consider similar action, telling reporters only that it had “made peace with what it is,” and that it had bigger things on its mind currently, including a Citi Bike, a possum, and what appeared to be the entire bottom half of a Vespa.