WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has both excited crypto enthusiasts and confused just about everyone else, President-Elect Donald Trump announced plans to establish a “Federal Bitcoin Reserve.” The announcement, which followed his nomination of Scott Bessent—a hedge fund manager with a penchant for crypto—as Treasury Secretary, has left economists, Congress, and most of the American public wondering if the world has officially gone mad.
“Crypto is the future,” Trump declared during the press conference, sporting a Make America Digital Again cap. “Especially for the boomers. Look, nobody knows Bitcoin like I do. It’s digital gold, folks. And who doesn’t want gold, right? We’re going to store it, we’re going to save it, and we’re going to win with it.”
Trump’s speech was, as expected, a mix of buzzwords and phrases that left journalists scratching their heads. “Never sell your Bitcoin,” he repeated, wagging his finger at the audience, as if scolding a naughty child. “We’re going to put it all in the federal reserve—lock it up, very safe. We’re talking about digital treasure, people.”
The Federal Bitcoin Reserve, as outlined in Trump’s plan, would be a government stockpile of cryptocurrency, managed by Scott Bessent, who apparently spent enough time around billionaire George Soros to become a certified crypto wizard. Bessent’s plan involves securing large amounts of Bitcoin and other digital assets, “just in case.” When pressed for details, Bessent simply said, “Bitcoin is the new gold standard. And I mean, who doesn’t trust something created by an anonymous figure known only as Satoshi Nakamoto?”
The plan has received widespread support from an unexpected alliance of crypto influencers, including self-proclaimed “Millennial Crypto Gurus,” who took to X (formerly Twitter) to celebrate. One influencer, @CryptoBoomer69, tweeted, “Finally, someone gets it! Boomers deserve Bitcoin too! We need this federal reserve! #BitcoinIsFreedom #BoomersGoCrypto.”
Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, famous for suing Mark Zuckerberg and making Bitcoin their personality, voiced their enthusiasm as well, stating, “This move by Trump is historic—it’s going to elevate Bitcoin to its rightful place alongside traditional assets like gold and Beanie Babies.”
Critics, however, were quick to point out the absurdity of the entire situation. “We’re talking about integrating an incredibly volatile digital asset into a national reserve,” said economist Dr. Linda Smart. “The idea that we’d entrust the stability of our economy to something that’s as stable as my cousin Jerry’s third marriage is, well, questionable at best.”
Despite these criticisms, Trump remains unfazed. “People say Bitcoin is risky—I say it’s exciting,” he said, holding up a physical Bitcoin replica for the cameras, which he claimed was “worth at least a million dollars.” He then added, “Millennials, boomers, Gen Z, whatever—everyone’s getting Bitcoin. We’re going to bring it all together, make it a part of America’s legacy.”
The proposal has also sparked debates on Capitol Hill, with a growing concern among lawmakers that the government would be one “lost wallet password” away from financial ruin. “I can’t even remember my Amazon password,” one anonymous Congressman remarked, “And now we’re talking about managing a Bitcoin reserve? God help us all.”
Meanwhile, Scott Bessent has assured the public that, should the plan be approved, the Federal Bitcoin Reserve will be stored in “the most secure hardware wallet money can buy,” adding, “We’ll probably keep it under Trump’s pillow. No one would dare look there.”