WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an announcement that left many educators slack-jawed, the Department of Education has unveiled a new national curriculum focused on teaching influencer marketing to students across the country. The curriculum, meant to “modernize” education and prepare students for the digital economy, is set to roll out next year in schools nationwide. Dr. Iver, never one to shy away from pointing out the absurdity of misguided educational reform, wasted no time weighing in.
“Ah yes, because when I think about what our kids need, it’s definitely the skill set to become professional selfie-takers and hashtag hustlers,” Dr. Iver said during a recent press conference. “Forget math, forget science—the true ticket to success in America is figuring out how to go viral by doing a dance in your living room. Clearly, this is the pinnacle of academic achievement.”
The newly proposed curriculum includes modules on “Building Your Personal Brand,” “Monetizing Your Everyday Life,” and even “Faking It Until You Make It: A Beginner’s Guide to Sponsored Content.” According to Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, these changes are part of an effort to help students adapt to the changing job market, where traditional skills are, in her words, “less applicable.” The announcement was met with cheers from the influencer community, but Dr. Iver wasn’t buying it.
“We used to value students for their ability to think critically or innovate,” she noted, “but now, it seems the goal is to turn every classroom into a content creation factory. It’s great to know that instead of learning about the solar system or understanding how democracy works, our kids will be expertly trained in how to sell sugar water and protein powder to their followers.”
Dr. Iver went on to highlight the glaring neglect of traditional academics in favor of influencer stardom. “Imagine explaining to future generations that we once decided literacy wasn’t a priority—but we made sure every 10-year-old knew how to edit their videos for maximum engagement. And let’s not even get started on the fact that no one seems to be thinking about what happens when these influencer dreams don’t pan out. It’s almost like preparing kids for stable, well-rounded lives wasn’t the priority. Shocking, I know.”
The new curriculum comes at a time when education officials are under increasing pressure to modernize an outdated education system. McMahon insisted that the change was necessary to reflect “what students are already doing outside of the classroom.” Dr. Iver, however, had another take. “Just because kids are doing something outside of class doesn’t mean it’s worthy of a diploma. If that were the case, we might as well start awarding degrees for who can binge-watch the most Netflix episodes in one sitting.”
As Dr. Iver concluded her remarks, she added, “At this rate, why bother with any real skills at all? Let’s just make the entire school experience about who gets the most likes. Call it ‘Academy of Attention-Seeking.’ Because clearly, the future is about likes, not literacy.”
The Department of Education has yet to respond to Dr. Iver’s pointed critique, but insiders say that the new influencer curriculum could see pilot programs beginning in select districts next semester. Whether students will actually learn anything of lasting value remains to be seen—but at least they’ll know which filter to use for their graduation selfies.