WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of the Interior unveiled its inaugural Black Friday Doorbuster Event on Thursday, slashing prices on 247 million acres of federal land and assuring shoppers that, while supplies last, Yellowstone National Park can be theirs for forty cents on the dollar with valid LLC documentation.
The promotion, branded ‘America’s Biggest Backyard Sale,’ includes early-bird pricing on Bryce Canyon, a buy-one-get-one offer pairing Joshua Tree with an undisclosed Nevada wash, and a ‘mystery grab bag’ of unspecified BLM acreage in the Mountain West that the agency described as ‘definitely there, probably.’
‘We listened to the American consumer, and the American consumer wanted scenic vistas at a competitive price point,’ said Interior spokeswoman Marlee Crandell, holding a laminated price gun next to a topographical map. ‘Doorbusters open at 6 a.m. Eastern. We are asking shoppers to please form an orderly line of holding companies.’
According to a deck circulated to congressional staff and obtained by lobbyists three hours earlier, the sale’s ‘Tier One Inventory’ includes geyser-adjacent parcels, headwaters, and approximately 14 percent of Alaska. A separate clearance section, listed under ‘As-Is, Final Sale,’ contains four wildlife refuges and a Superfund site that the agency clarified is ‘priced to move.’
Treadwell Bohn, a senior fellow at the Beacon Resource Initiative, said the rollout was consistent with the administration’s broader holiday strategy. ‘They’ve been workshopping this since August,’ he said. ‘The original pitch was Cyber Monday — you’d buy the parks online — but somebody pointed out that the parks aren’t online, they’re in Wyoming. So they pivoted.’
Asked whether the public might object to the liquidation of land held in trust for two centuries, Crandell directed reporters to a footnote on page nine of the press release noting that all sales are final and that the Antiquities Act has been ‘re-shelved for inventory purposes.’ She added that purchasers receive a complimentary tote bag.
The first confirmed buyer, an Idaho-registered shell company called Glacier Holdings IX, took home Crater Lake for what one auditor described as ‘roughly the price of a mid-size pickup, but with worse financing.’ A representative for the LLC could not be reached, as the LLC was incorporated Tuesday and dissolved Wednesday.
House Republicans praised the move as a long-overdue trimming of federal overhead, while Senate Democrats released a strongly worded statement, a strongly worded follow-up statement, and a third statement clarifying that the previous two statements were, in fact, statements. None of the three mentioned blocking the sale.
The Interior Department confirmed that any unsold inventory will be rolled into a Cyber Monday event, after which remaining parcels will be cleared during a ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ promotion in which one new monument is delisted each morning between December 14 and Christmas Day. Officials stressed that the Grand Canyon is not currently for sale, but encouraged interested parties to ‘check back hourly.’
Crandell closed the briefing by reminding reporters that the sale honors a deep American tradition. ‘Every Thanksgiving,’ she said, ‘a family gathers, gives thanks for what they have, and then on Friday goes out and buys more of it. We’re just letting them buy Old Faithful this time.’