WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic and utterly perplexing move, the United States has declared independence from itself, rebranding as “United States, Inc.” — a private enterprise focused on providing specialized global services. The new business model aims to “take the burden of conducting atrocities off the shoulders of other nations” and export weapons of mass destruction to the highest bidder.
“For too long, we’ve burdened ourselves with running a country and conducting large-scale geopolitical influence,” explained CEO Joe Biden, while attempting to show a PowerPoint presentation that crashed twice. “With this pivot, we’re focusing on our core competencies—helping nations solve complicated problems, such as orchestrating their own genocides, and boosting international relations through dynamic weapons exportation.”
The company, formerly the United States of America, assured stakeholders that this transition will streamline processes by eliminating pesky regulations like international laws. The new slogan: “From Democracy to Efficiency—Empowering Nations to Conduct Their Own Atrocities”.
Chief Innovation Officer Elon Musk, sporting a United States, Inc. jacket, added, “Need to destabilize a region? We have you covered. Want to orchestrate a coup? We’re the pros. It’s all about delivering value to our clients.”
The company has also introduced a “Holocaust-as-a-Service” option, allowing international partners to outsource the heavy lifting while maintaining plausible deniability. A bidding war is already underway, with clients vying for exclusive contracts on the new “Weapons of Mass Destruction Exportation Plan.”
Critics argue that rebranding as a business doesn’t change the fact that United States, Inc. seems determined to maintain its original agenda—just with quarterly earnings calls now. Stocks have risen sharply in response, and Elon Musk hinted at expanding into extraterrestrial opportunities: “Who wouldn’t want a nuclear deterrent on Mars?”