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The Corn Maze Got Sprayed Brown to Stand Up and Cleo Hugged a Stalk

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We pulled into Hollerby’s Family Farm on Saturday at the precise hour the website calls “golden,” and before I even got the twins out of their car seats I could smell it — that specific dry, papery, almost-cinnamon corn-husk smell that everybody tells you is the smell of fall. I now know it is the smell of something else. It is the smell of a chemical called diquat, and Cleo had her whole cheek pressed against a stalk of it before I’d finished latching the diaper bag.

I did not know this on Saturday. On Saturday I was the woman in the flannel poncho letting a four-year-old eat a kettle-corn kernel off the ground. I figured it out Sunday morning, the way I figure most things out, which is by lying in bed at 5:47 a.m. and asking my phone why corn would be standing up brown and crunchy in the middle of October when the corn behind our own house is still green and mostly horizontal.

It turns out — and a woman in my Facebook group Cornfields and the Chemicals That Stand Them Up has been screaming about this since 2021 — that maze corn doesn’t dry the way nature dries corn. Nature takes its sweet time. Maze corn has a Halloween schedule. So a few weeks before opening day, the farm hits the whole field with a desiccant, which is a polite agricultural word for “we killed it on purpose so it would rustle right.” The stalks turn brown overnight. They make that sound. Children walk through them.

My sister-in-law Tessa, who works the front desk at a pediatric office in Hendersonville and has read more vaccine inserts than most pediatricians, says diquat is “basically Roundup’s meaner cousin” and that the EU has banned it, which is what she says about most things, but she’s right enough of the time that I’ve stopped fact-checking her in front of company. She also said, and I’m quoting, “that’s why those mazes smell like a dry-cleaner if you really stop and breathe.” I had stopped and breathed. She is correct.

So I went back Sunday afternoon — without the kids, with my list of polite questions written on the back of a Trader Joe’s receipt — and I found Marlene’s cousin Deb running the kettle corn booth, which is a sentence I did not expect to type this fall. Deb confirmed, cheerfully, while bagging a quart of caramel corn for a man in a Bass Pro hat, that yes, Roy sprays the field the second week of September “so the maze is ready for the church groups,” and that the smell I was describing as dry-cleaner was “probably just the corn dust, hon, it gets in your sinuses.” Roy was not available for follow-up. Roy was on the wagon driving the wagon.

Cleo, for the record, is fine. She has a small rash on the cheek that touched the stalk, which my husband insists is “from the corn being scratchy,” and which I insist is the body’s intelligent response to a known herbicide, and we are both going to be right in our own ways for the rest of our marriage. Wyatt has not stopped coughing since Saturday night, but Wyatt has also not stopped coughing since August, so I am not assigning that one to Hollerby’s specifically. The twins ate a candy apple and slept for fourteen hours, which felt clarifying.

What we are doing instead — because I am not the mother who simply removes a thing and offers her children grief in its place — is a maze of our own, in the back pasture, with the actual living green corn we did not chemically execute. My husband ran the tractor through it Tuesday in a kind of loose figure-eight. It is not impressive. The walls are six feet tall and forty percent leaning. You can see over most of it if you are taller than a fifth-grader. But nothing in it has been sprayed with anything except the rain.

I’m bringing date balls and a thermos of raw apple cider from Beth’s orchard up the road, the one that doesn’t UV-zap anything, and a battery lantern for after dark. Marlene already RSVP’d no. She said the green corn “feels wrong underfoot” and she’d rather take her kids someplace that “sounds like fall is supposed to sound.” I told her that sound is diquat. She told me to stop saying diquat at the carpool line. We are still friends.

Manitowoc Wake Moved Up Two Hours So Mourners Can Catch Brewers Game 6

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MANITOWOC, WI — The visitation for retired pipefitter Stosh Wojcik, originally scheduled for 7:00 p.m. Friday at Halverson-Kaczmarek Funeral Home, has been moved to 5:00 p.m. so that attendees can be home, fed, and seated in front of a television before the Brewers throw the first pitch of NLCS Game 6.

The change was announced Wednesday evening on a laminated sheet taped to the funeral home’s front door, directly above a smaller sheet noting that the parking lot would not be plowed until Monday.

Funeral director Vern Kaczmarek, reached at the home Thursday morning, said the decision was made jointly with the family and Pastor Greg Lindquist of Trinity Lutheran, and that nobody at the table needed it explained twice. “Stosh would’ve been the first one out the door at 6:45,” Vern said. “He left his own granddaughter’s baptism early in ’08.”

Eileen Wojcik, the widow, confirmed that her husband had watched every Brewers postseason game since 1981 from the same brown recliner, which has been moved to the basement to make room for casseroles. She said Stosh’s final words, delivered Tuesday at Aurora Memorial, were reportedly “is it on yet,” though she allowed he may have been asking about the oxygen.

Pastor Greg has agreed to trim his remarks to twelve minutes and skip the second hymn. The eulogy, written by Stosh’s brother-in-law Roger, will conclude with the phrase “safe at home,” which Roger described as “both spiritual and a baseball term, if you think about it.”

One cousin, Marlene Petracek of Rockford, has filed a written objection. Marlene, a Cubs fan who drove up Wednesday and intends to stay through Sunday, told the family she found the new schedule “a little fast” and said she had expected “more of a service.” She has been seated, per family request, near the door.

The Hen House across the river is opening at 4:00 p.m. specifically to receive the post-visitation crowd, and owner Bonnie Tessmer has agreed to put the game on all four televisions, including the one above the bathroom hallway that has been showing a frozen Weather Channel screen since August. Bonnie said she would not be taking food orders during innings.

Stosh’s Brewers cap, a 1982 American League Champions model that he wore to his own wedding rehearsal, will be displayed on the casket through the visitation and then returned to Eileen, who plans to wear it during the broadcast. The cap will not, per Vern’s strong recommendation, be buried with him on Saturday.

Saturday’s graveside service has been scheduled for 11:00 a.m., well clear of any Game 7 scenario, which Pastor Greg described as “prudent planning” and which Vern described as “the only call you can make.”

NLCS Floor Seat Hits $14,200 on StubHub, 28% of It Is a Guy in Tampa

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TAMPA, FL — Gary Pflug, 47, sat in a one-bedroom off Dale Mabry Highway on Tuesday eating a Publix Italian sub and refreshing six tabs of StubHub, where a single Game 3 floor seat to the NLCS had just resold for $14,200. Of that, roughly $3,968 — 28% of the line — flowed to Gary directly, less the platform cut, less Visa interchange, less the eight bucks he tips his neighbor’s kid to grab packages.

Pflug Holdings LLC, registered in Florida and operated from a folding card table next to a stationary bike, controls about 340 postseason inventory units across three MLB teams and a Triple-A affiliate. The firm has no employees. Its CRM is a Google Sheet titled “october.” Its hedge against rainout is a Capital One Venture card.

“It’s actually a clean spread,” said Mira Henneman, an analyst at the Atlantic Heartland Project, a research nonprofit nobody has called for comment in eleven years. “Gary buys the underlying, holds 72 hours, exits into peak panic. He’s a market maker. He’s also wearing the same Champion crewneck he’s worn since the wild card round.”

The NLCS resale market — MLB’s third-largest revenue stream after concessions and divorce settlements — has compounded at 14% annually since 2019, driven almost entirely by what economists describe as “the guy who waited too long to text his dad.” Floor inventory in particular has detached from any defensible valuation model and now trades on what one Citizens Bank Park usher characterized as “rich-dad chemistry.”

Pflug left a midlevel role at a regional payments processor in 2021 to “try this for a year.” He now clears more than his former director-level base. His LinkedIn still lists him as Open to Work.

After Game 2, his inventory took an unrealized $6,400 hit when the Dodgers bullpen surrendered the lead in the eighth. Pflug logged the drawdown by texting “lol” to his brother, a maritime insurance adjuster in Mobile, who replied “lmao.” Both messages have since been entered into a tax-loss spreadsheet labeled Vibes Q4.

Reached at his unit, Pflug said the Game 3 sale would cover his quarterly estimate, his daughter’s volleyball travel team, and “probably another month of the Dale Mabry place if the Brewers don’t sweep.” The platform’s 18% buyer-side fee, he added, was “the real grift.” He paused to take a bite of the sub.

StubHub did not respond to a request for comment, but a press release issued at 4:47 p.m. described the postseason as “an unparalleled moment for fans to access the games they love at dynamically reflected market levels.” Three separate readers described the release as “incredibly hostile.”

As of Wednesday afternoon, the same seat for Game 4 was listed at $16,800. Gary owned two of them.

The Trunk-or-Treat Fog Machine Runs on Glycol and Cleo Came Home Hoarse

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Cleo walked out of the Faith Harvest parking lot Sunday night dressed as a strawberry, holding a Tootsie Roll, and breathing like a 60-year-old roofer. I bent down to ask her if she had fun and she said “yes” in the voice of a man who has just finished a 12-hour shift at a tire plant. That is when I started smelling the parking lot.

The whole lot was inside a cloud. A low, sweet, weirdly wet cloud, the kind that clings to your jeans and stays there. I followed it back to its source, which was a black plastic box on a folding table next to the youth pastor’s Yukon, plugged into a 50-foot orange extension cord that ran into the fellowship hall. On the table next to it was a gallon jug labeled FOG JUICE in a font I would describe as Spirit Halloween cursive.

I picked up the jug and read the back, because of course I read the back. The first ingredient was propylene glycol. The second ingredient was “deionized water,” which is just water they have already removed from itself for some reason. I want to be very clear about what propylene glycol is, because the youth pastor was not clear about it. Propylene glycol is in antifreeze. You can look this up. They put it in the kind of antifreeze you are allowed to spill, but it is still in antifreeze, and our children were inhaling a hot mist of it for forty minutes between the bouncy house and the cake walk.

I texted Tess, my sister-in-law who works the front desk at the pediatric office and has watched enough nebulizer treatments to basically be a respiratory therapist, and she said, and I quote, “Brooke that is a lung event.” She said the lining of a five-year-old’s airway is the thickness of a wet Kleenex and we are out here aerosolizing car fluid at it for fun. She said she sees three croup cases a week in October and she has stopped pretending she does not know why.

I posted in Mountain Mamas Against Mystery Mist (it used to be a babywearing group, the pivot happened in August) and within twenty minutes I had 41 comments and a screenshot from a Telegram channel a woman in Weaverville follows where a former theater tech explains that fog juice is rated for adult lungs at a venue with a ventilation system, not for a Methodist parking lot in a windless cul-de-sac while toddlers eat Smarties at knee height. He called it “theatrical,” not “safe.” Those are two different words.

I asked the youth pastor where he got the machine and he said Amazon, fourteen dollars, free returns, and that the jug was four dollars and you could refill it at Guitar Center. I asked if he had read the SDS sheet and he said, “the what,” cheerfully, while a kindergartener walked past us coughing into a Buzz Lightyear bucket. He is a lovely man. He coaches my nephew. He should not be allowed to operate a vapor.

Marlene, naturally, has been complaining about the fog machine since 2019. Marlene runs her own decorations on dry ice in a rented punch bowl and a small humidifier she fills with distilled water and a sprig of rosemary, and her trunk smells like a haunted bakery and the children come out of it with pink cheeks instead of barking like seals. She has been telling the festival committee this for six years. They keep telling her dry ice is “a liability.” Glycol vapor in a child’s bronchi is, apparently, not.

I am bringing my own fog this Friday. I have a stainless kettle, a long extension cord, a bundle of rosemary from the garden, two cinnamon sticks, and one star anise pod, and I am going to set it on a hot plate next to my trunk and let it steam clean the entire end of the row. It will smell like a real October instead of like a 1997 Camry. Cleo can be a strawberry without becoming a smoker. That is the bare minimum a harvest festival owes us.

If the youth pastor wants the jug back, it is in my recycling, capped, with a Post-it on it that says “this is not for children,” which is a sentence I should not have had to write on a Sunday.

Every Kid Going as Bombardiro Crocodilo, Confused Parents Confirm

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BERWYN HEIGHTS, MD — Standing in the felt aisle of a JoAnn Fabrics that smelled faintly of dust and surrender, mother of two Heather Pell stared at her phone Tuesday afternoon and asked the open air whether anyone, anywhere, could tell her what a Bombardiro Crocodilo was supposed to look like.

Her son Mason, 9, had given her one instruction for his Halloween costume: “a crocodile that’s also a bomber plane, but Italian, and he says one specific thing in Italian, and you have to get the wings right or it’s not him.” He then walked away to play Roblox.

Pell is among an estimated 11 million American parents currently being asked to construct, from scratch, a costume based on an AI-generated Italian brainrot character their child cannot fully describe but will absolutely cry about on October 31st if the execution is off.

“We’ve seen a complete collapse of the legacy costume economy,” said Renata Voss, who tracks seasonal retail at a research desk inside a midsize consumer-goods firm. “Spider-Man is down 60 percent. Bluey is down 40. Meanwhile demand for ‘Tralalero Tralalà’ — a shark wearing three Nikes — is up so sharply our models flagged it as a data entry error twice.”

Spirit Halloween declined to stock any of the brainrot characters this year, citing a licensing situation that one regional manager described as “genuinely metaphysical.” The chain is instead leaning into its eighteenth consecutive season of inflatable Minion costumes, which no child has requested since 2019.

At a Target in Bowie, shopper Devin Achebe was overheard asking a teenage employee whether they carried “the cappuccino one, with the ballerina foot,” referring to Ballerina Cappuccina, a sentient espresso drink wearing a tutu that has accumulated 2.4 billion views across TikTok. The employee, 17-year-old Marisol Quint, said she understood the question completely and that the store had nothing.

“My mom keeps showing me pictures of crocodiles and being like, ‘is this it,'” Mason said, declining to elaborate further on the grounds that explaining was “cringe” and would “ruin it.” He confirmed only that the costume must include three legs, one of which is a missile, and that his mother would “know it when she got it right.”

Local seamstress Diane Korbel, who normally spends October hemming Elsa dresses, said she has received seventeen commission requests this month for characters whose reference images appear to have been generated by a server experiencing a psychological event. One mother sent her a screenshot of “Lirilì Larilà,” a cactus-elephant hybrid wearing sandals, and asked if Diane could have it ready by Saturday.

“I told her I would try,” Korbel said, gesturing at a half-finished green felt trunk on her sewing table. “I have not slept since Sunday. I do not know what country these are from. My husband thinks I’m having a stroke when I read the names out loud.”

As of press time, Pell had abandoned the JoAnn parking lot and was driving home with two yards of green felt, a length of PVC pipe, and a cardboard box she planned to spray-paint silver, muttering the phrase “bombardiro, bombardiro, crocodilo” to herself in a tone her husband would later describe as “not great.”

Final Hostages Freed; Trump Workshops Nobel Speech in Hotel Mirror

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WASHINGTON — As the last 20 living Israeli hostages walked out of Gaza on Monday after more than two years of captivity, President Donald Trump reportedly stood before a full-length mirror in the residence and practiced the cadence of the word “unprecedented” until an aide gently suggested he take a break for lunch.

The hostage release, the centerpiece of a fragile ceasefire announced last week, freed the final living captives held since October 7, 2023. Within minutes of the news breaking, the President posted a 1,400-word statement on Truth Social in which the words “I,” “me,” and “my” appeared a combined 89 times, and the word “hostages” appeared four.

“This is unequivocally the largest single act of personal heroism in modern diplomatic history, and I’m not even saying that as flattery, I’m saying it as a credentialed observer,” said Devra Kalman, who runs a one-person consultancy out of an Arlington co-working space and has been quoted in three separate White House readouts this month. “Frankly, the Nobel committee should be embarrassed they haven’t already FedExed it.”

According to two officials familiar with the morning’s preparations, Trump spent roughly 40 minutes deciding whether to wear the long red tie or the slightly longer red tie, ultimately choosing the longer one on the grounds that it would “photograph more historically.” He then asked an aide whether the freed hostages would be available for a photo op at Mar-a-Lago, and was reportedly disappointed to learn they would prefer to see their families first.

The President’s prepared remarks, clocking in at 47 minutes during a private rehearsal, devote a brief acknowledgment to the hostages themselves before pivoting into an extended section comparing the deal to the Treaty of Versailles, the Camp David Accords, and “that thing Reagan did, you know the one.” A senior staffer who reviewed the draft described it as “mostly the standard rally speech with the word ‘Gaza’ inserted in seven places.”

Trump has, by official count, demanded the Nobel Peace Prize on at least 31 separate occasions since taking office, including twice during a speech about tariffs and once in a comment to a reporter who had asked him about the World Series. The Norwegian Nobel Committee, which awarded this year’s prize last week to a Venezuelan opposition leader, has not commented, though one member was overheard at a dinner in Oslo describing the situation as “awkward, but in a way we will simply have to live with.”

In Tel Aviv, where families embraced their returned relatives on a tarmac under a bright autumn sun, the mood was reportedly less focused on American electoral metaphors. “We are just glad they are home,” said the cousin of one freed hostage, when asked by a U.S. network correspondent whether she would like to thank the President directly on camera. The correspondent then asked the question two more times, in slightly different phrasings, before moving on.

By Monday evening, Trump had already begun floating the possibility of a separate, additional Nobel for what he described as “the second-best part of the deal, which a lot of people don’t even know about yet.” He declined to specify what that part was, citing ongoing negotiations with himself.

Aides say the speech is now in its fourth draft and continues to grow.

Every Playoff Dugout Has a Prop Now and I’m Keeping a List

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Saturday night I watched a grown man in eye black climb out of a major league dugout carrying what I am told is a foam sword, hold it over his head for the cameras, and then hand it to a teammate who pretended to knight him. This was the postseason. This was on the network. Coach DiMaggio is somewhere in a cemetery in Wilkes-Barre rotating fast enough to power a small city.

I have been keeping a list since Wednesday. By my count we are now up to six. The Phillies have the sword. The Dodgers have a feathered boa they put on whoever drives in the go-ahead run. Somebody on the Tigers is wearing a wrestling belt. The Brewers, when they had a pulse, were doing something with a rubber chicken that I refuse to investigate further. There’s a team passing around a viking helmet, and I’m pretty sure I saw a kid hold up a stuffed duck that lights up.

A stuffed duck. That lights up. In October. In a baseball game.

My buddy Ray Kowalczyk called me at the seventh-inning stretch, which is when Ray calls about anything important, and asked if I’d seen the sword. Ray is 71 and watches every pitch on a tube television he refuses to replace because he says HD makes the pitchers look tired. He said, and I am quoting him, “Duke, when did the dugout become a Build-A-Bear.” I told him I didn’t know but I was working on it.

Here is what I have figured out. Somewhere around 2019 a marketing intern at one of these clubs noticed that highlight clips of guys hugging in helmets weren’t getting enough engagement. So they introduced a prop. The prop generated content. The content generated merch. The merch generated a second prop, because the first prop was now stale. And now we are at the part of the cycle where a 27-year-old shortstop making nine million dollars a year has to remember to grab the boa before he climbs the dugout steps or his agent gets a phone call.

Coach DiMaggio’s celebration, when somebody hit a home run in 1974, was to nod once. If it was a big home run, he nodded twice. If it was a grand slam to win a sectional, he might say “attaboy” loud enough for the second baseman to hear. There was no chain. There was no helmet. There was certainly no sword. The reward for hitting a baseball over a fence was that you had hit a baseball over a fence, which was apparently considered enough at the time.

I’m not saying you can’t have fun. I watched Petey Corrigan, who played a couple of years of A-ball in the Pirates system before his knee went, celebrate a walk-off in 1981 by sliding on his stomach across an entire infield in his home whites. He had grass stains up to his collar. His mother made him sleep on a towel for a week. That was a celebration. It was free, it ruined a uniform, and nobody had to remember to bring a prop down from the clubhouse.

The thing that gets me — and I’ll admit I’m working myself up here, Denise has already given me the look from the kitchen — is that none of these props are about the game. They’re about the camera. The sword exists because somebody at the network can cut to it and the chyron can say SWORD GUY in 80-point font. The boa exists so the postgame interview has a visual. We’re not watching baseball anymore. We’re watching baseball produce its own marketing reel in real time, and the players are good sports about it because the alternative is being the guy who didn’t want to wear the duck.

You want to know what the worst part is. My grandson, who is nine and a sweet kid, asked me on FaceTime last night if our high school team had a prop. I said no. He said maybe we should get one. I said over my dead body. He said okay Grandpa and went back to his iPad.

Denise is bringing chili. She says she heard about the recipe on a podcast, which is its own column for another day.

Vermont Tree Photographed by 14,000 Different Couples This Weekend Alone

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STOWE, VT — A single sugar maple at the corner of Route 108 and a dirt access road behind a covered bridge has now appeared in approximately 14,000 separate Instagram carousels since Thursday morning, with photo traffic expected to peak Saturday afternoon when the light gets, as one woman in a Barbour jacket put it, “the way it gets.”

The tree, which is an entirely normal tree doing entirely normal tree things, has been roped off into a queue system after a couple from Hoboken nearly collided tripods at 7:14 a.m. Friday. A handwritten sign reading PLEASE LIMIT YOUR ENGAGEMENT SHOOT TO 12 MINUTES has been zip-tied to a neighboring birch, which is also pretty but is reportedly “the wrong orange.”

“Twenty-five bucks to park, cash only, no I can’t break a fifty,” said Doug Pelletier, who lives across the street and last September realized he could simply put cones in his own yard. “Lady this morning asked me if the tree was ‘the famous one.’ Ma’am. It’s a tree. They’re all the famous one this week.”

The maple itself has issued no statement. It is, by all available reporting, photosynthesizing.

Couples have been observed driving as far as seven hours one-way to capture an image that is functionally identical to the 13,999 images captured immediately before it, often pausing the trip only for a $19 apple cider donut at a farm stand whose Square reader has been declining cards since approximately 9 a.m. “She wanted the orange one,” confirmed Marcus Halberd, 38, of Bethesda, gesturing at his wife, who was crouched in a drainage ditch trying to get the steeple of a church into the lower-left third of the frame. “I don’t know which orange one. There’s a lot of orange ones. We’ve driven past, conservatively, six thousand orange ones.”

Local innkeepers, sensing opportunity, have implemented a $40 nightly “foliage surcharge” on top of rooms already running $610 a night, which guests are told covers “access to the view,” despite the view being a public road that anyone with eyes is permitted to look at for free. One bed-and-breakfast in nearby Waterbury is now charging guests an additional $15 to use the porch swing visible in the property’s listing photo.

Drone footage taken Saturday morning revealed a line of 64 photographers, two destination wedding parties, a maternity shoot, a golden retriever in a knit sweater, and one extremely confused man from Munich who had gotten off the wrong exit and was attempting to find a CVS.

The Vermont Tourism Board declined to comment on whether the tree has a publicist, citing only a press release noting that peak color is expected to last “another 48 to 72 hours, or until the algorithm moves on, whichever comes first.”

The maple is scheduled to drop all of its leaves by Tuesday and resume being a stick.

We Pulled Our Ace at 73 Pitches Because a Laptop Said So

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Ray Kowalczyk called me in the bottom of the fifth, which is something Ray does when he’s about to need a witness. “Duke,” he says, no hello, “they’re warming up the lefty.” I knew before he said it. You could feel it through the screen. The kid on the mound had given up a bloop single and a four-pitch walk, and somewhere in a windowless room in Tampa a 28-year-old in a quarter-zip had just refreshed a spreadsheet.

Our ace was at 73 pitches. Seventy-three. He’d struck out seven, given up two hits, and looked like a man who could’ve thrown until Tuesday. The manager came out of the dugout walking like a guy who’d been handed a script and didn’t agree with the script but had to read it anyway, because that’s what they pay him $4 million a year to do now. Hold the card. Read the card. Pat the kid on the rear.

Coach DiMaggio, God rest him, would have set fire to the dugout. Coach DiMaggio left a kid in once with a 104-degree fever and a torn fingernail because, as he put it, “his stuff is still moving and his eyes look correct.” The boy threw a complete game and lost six pounds. We won 3–1. Nobody mentioned a leverage index because the leverage was a Mahoning County title and DiMaggio’s tobacco spit, which he aimed at the bullpen phone whenever it rang.

The kid they brought in is what they’re calling a Leverage Specialist now, which is the kind of job title that should be illegal in a sport with a hot dog in its logo. Throws 99. Slider does a tap-dance. Walks the first guy on four sliders that all tap-danced into the dirt. Gives up a double to the next guy, who hadn’t seen a fastball over 94 in his entire minor-league career and was probably as surprised as anyone. Tie game. The card had spoken.

Postgame, the manager stood at the podium and said, “We liked the matchup.” He did not look like a man who liked the matchup. He looked like a man who had been told, eight hours earlier, what he would be saying at 11:14 p.m., and was getting it over with so he could go eat a sad chicken caesar in the family room.

I called Petey Corrigan, who you may remember played a couple seasons in the Cape Cod League and now coaches at a juco out near Sandusky. Petey says now they have an iPad in the dugout that pings. Pings, Duke. When a pitcher hits 70 it makes a noise like a microwave. Says one of his kids last spring heard it ping and walked off the mound mid-windup. Just stopped. Had been trained.

This is what we’ve done. We’ve taken the manager — a job that used to require a man to chew Bazooka and yell at an umpire about the moon — and turned him into an executive assistant for a database. The ace knew it walking off. Didn’t even argue. Touched the bill of his cap. Sat down. Pulled a tablet out from under the bench because of course there’s a tablet under the bench. Reviewed his own outing while it was still warm.

And the fan, meanwhile — the fan who paid $14 for a Modelo and $9 for a pretzel that was room temperature — is informed by a man named Trevor in the booth that this was “optimal.” Optimal for whom, Trevor. Not for me. Not for Ray. Not for the kid who got yanked, who is 27 years old and has had two surgeries and would like very much to throw the seventh inning of a postseason baseball game one time before his elbow turns into wet bread.

Ray hung up before the ninth. Said he was going to bed. Said when he was a kid his old man took him to a doubleheader at Municipal and a starter went 17 innings and got a steak dinner and a handshake. Said baseball used to be a game and now it’s a PowerPoint with seeds.

Denise is bringing chili tonight. She says the recipe’s from a podcast. I told her I’d eat it anyway.

The Pumpkin Patch Waxes Every Gourd and Marlene’s Boy Licked One

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Marlene caught me with a microfiber cloth in the pumpkin patch on Saturday and I do not regret a single swipe. The cloth came back amber. Amber, you guys. Off a pumpkin. In October. In the Blue Ridge Mountains, where the only thing that should be coming off a pumpkin in October is dirt and possibly a stink bug.

Every single Cinderella, every Jarrahdale, every white Casper on that wagon had a sheen on it that does not occur in nature, and I have been growing pumpkins on five acres for four seasons now. Real pumpkins look like they’ve been outside. These looked like they’d been to a dealership.

I posted about it in Real Food, Real Pumpkins, Real Talk (3,400 members, very active, no MLM moms allowed since the spring purge) and within ninety seconds Heather from the Brevard chapter confirmed what I already suspected. Most patches within driving distance of a U-Pick Instagram presence are now spraying their gourds with a food-grade carnauba blend, sometimes cut with mineral oil, sometimes — and this is what got me sitting down at my own kitchen island — with the exact shellac they use on grocery store apples. The same shellac. On the porch decor. That my children carry into my house.

My sister-in-law Tisha works the front desk at a pediatric urgent care in Hendersonville and is basically a nurse, and she told me they get at least one kid a fall who teethes on a decorative pumpkin and comes in with what she calls, professionally, “the gourd mouth.” Those are her words. She has a clipboard. I’m not making this up.

Marlene’s middle one, Beckett, who is six and a half and a known licker, got a hold of a Lumina yesterday at the Hayride and Hot Cider event and his tongue is, as of this writing, a slightly different color than it was on Friday. Marlene says it’s fine. Marlene also said the splash pad was fine and that her flamingo’s eleven-day off-gas in the sunroom was fine, so I have stopped taking Marlene’s fine at face value.

Now — I want to be careful here, because I am not anti-wax. Beeswax is essentially a mineral. The Mennonite stand off 191 rubs theirs with beeswax and a clean cotton rag and they will tell you so if you ask, which I always do, and Mrs. Yoder once let me hold the rag. That is a different conversation. That is a conversation I am at peace with. A pumpkin from Mrs. Yoder will sit on my porch for six weeks, soften gracefully, and return to the soil like it was raised to.

What we are talking about is a product called, and I had to ask Graham to confirm the name twice, PRODUCE GLOSS 7. It comes in a five-gallon drum. The seasonal hand at one of the bigger patches between here and Weaverville told Graham about it while they were both in line at the Lowe’s contractor desk, completely unprompted, the way men volunteer information when there is no woman they’re trying to impress. Graham has no reason to make this up. Graham can barely remember our anniversary.

I asked at the patch register on Saturday what they use and the teenager said, and I quote, “like a spray? I think there’s a spray.” That was enough. We left without our wagon. Cleo cried for forty minutes in the car and I let her, because some lessons are worth a meltdown.

The pumpkins on my porch right now are four sad little sugar pies from the farmers market, one (1) Mennonite Cinderella that cost what a movie ticket costs, and a butternut Wyatt insists is “basically a pumpkin.” Marlene came over Sunday and called my display sparse. I called it honest. She left with a date ball.

I am growing my own next year. Sixteen vines, maybe twenty if Graham doesn’t notice the seed order on the credit card. The slugs can have whatever they want. At least the slugs aren’t lying to me.