NEW YORK, NY — JPMorgan Chase reported its highest quarterly trading revenue in company history Friday morning, prompting an internal compliance memo politely reminding employees that gratitude toward the current administration’s tariff policy must, under no circumstances, be expressed in writing, on social media, or via the gift-basket vendor whose order volume has reportedly tripled since February.
The bank pulled in $9.7 billion from its markets division, a figure executives credited to what CFO Jeremy Barnum described as “unprecedented client engagement,” a phrase Wall Street uses when retail investors are panic-selling into a bid the trading desk is happy to provide.
“Volatility is, technically, our product,” said Hollis Reaver, a senior markets strategist at Cohen-Bergmann Advisory, speaking from a desk that visibly contained three monitors and one bottle of champagne still in its box. “When the tape moves four percent in either direction because someone tweeted at 6:42 a.m., we don’t applaud. We bill.”
Internal documents reviewed by associates of associates suggest that JPMorgan’s equity derivatives team has begun referring to the April 2 tariff announcement as “the gift,” the April 9 pause as “the gift that keeps on giving,” and the subsequent China escalation as “please, sir, we couldn’t possibly.” One trader has reportedly named his second boat “Reciprocal.”
The compliance memo, distributed Thursday, asked employees to refrain from any public expression of enthusiasm regarding U.S. trade policy, including but not limited to LinkedIn posts, charitable donations made in the name of the United States Trade Representative, and the catered fruit arrangements that have, per building security, been arriving at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with return addresses traced to a Midtown floor that does not officially exist on the building directory.
Wells Fargo and Morgan Stanley, which also reported Friday, posted similarly strong trading numbers and similarly muted public commentary, with Morgan Stanley CEO Ted Pick describing the quarter as “constructive” — a word that, in banking, can mean anything from “fine” to “we made so much money the legal team asked us to pick a different word.”
Reached for comment, a small-business owner in Ohio who manufactures auto components and has spent the last week trying to figure out whether his March order from a supplier in Ontario is now subject to a 10%, 25%, or ‘pending clarification’ tariff said he was “glad somebody’s having a good quarter.” He then asked if this reporter knew anyone at JPMorgan, because his line of credit was up for review.
At a small ceremony Friday afternoon, the JPMorgan trading floor reportedly observed a moment of silence for the 60/40 portfolio, followed by a moment of much louder noise for everything else.