TEL AVIV — In what officials are calling an “efficiency breakthrough,” Israel has announced a further loosening of operational guidelines for targeting Hamas fighters — with new streamlined rules requiring only “a strong personal feeling” or “good hunch” before launching airstrikes.
“We’re cutting the red tape,” explained Defense Ministry spokesperson Noam Ben-David. “Frankly, our old rules of engagement — which required at least two sources of intel and some level of certainty — were simply too cumbersome. Our pilots and commanders in the field know when they’ve got a good gut feeling. Why slow them down?”
The updated policy, dubbed “Operation Spidey Sense,” has already resulted in a noticeable uptick in bombing missions, with reports of entire neighborhoods targeted based on a commander’s “sense that something felt off.”
International observers have expressed alarm. UN Human Rights Council spokesperson Maria Ortiz commented, “The loosening of what were already highly permissive engagement protocols is deeply concerning. Civilians are now effectively being bombed based on vibes.”
Sources close to the IDF confirmed that prior to strikes, some pilots are now consulting mood rings or asking themselves, “Does this building give me bad energy?”
When asked about the mounting civilian casualties, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu stated: “Look, we trust our forces. They have excellent intuition. Besides, if there are civilians in these buildings, it really makes you wonder what they’re up to, doesn’t it?”
Meanwhile, Hamas leaders responded to the news with incredulity. “First it was intelligence, then signals, now just vibes?” said one anonymous spokesperson. “At this rate, they’ll be using Magic 8-Balls by next week.”